Note: The following is a satirical open letter TRULY clearing up the issues with Mozilla’s recent Firefox Terms of Service update, reflecting user sentiment and concerns.

Dear Valued Firefox Users,

We at Mozilla have spent over two decades fighting for privacy and transparency and not practicing our Terms of Use writing skills. And, wow, in hindsight, that last part was a mistake.

After all these years of coasting on vibes, we finally decided to shore our’s up—and, in doing so, set ourselves on fire.

The good news? We’ve heard your concerns. The bad news? We originally responded in the most passive-aggressive, condescending way possible. So, to correct that too, we’re taking another swing at it.

Below, you’ll find our newly improved Terms of Use, rewritten with the help of you, the people.

User Data Ownership

We originally wrote a broad and invasive Terms of Use, thinking no one would notice (classic move). It included some mildly dystopian language like:

“When you upload or input information through Firefox, you hereby grant us a nonexclusive, royalty-free, worldwide license to use that information…”

Our bad. We see now that this makes it sound like we’d, oh I don’t know, own your data? And while technically that was accurate, we recognize that’s… frowned upon.

The People’s Rewrite:
“Any information you input or upload through Firefox is unequivocally yours. We acknowledge that we have no rights to your data and will not use, store, or analyze it in any capacity. Your data is sacred, and we shall remain willfully ignorant of its existence.”

(That last part was especially important to you, and we respect that.)

Data Sharing and AI Training

We understand some users were mildly alarmed (read: furious) that their data might be used for AI training or shared with third parties without explicit consent. Apparently, “don’t worry about it” wasn’t a sufficient legal explanation.

The People’s Rewrite:
“We solemnly swear that we will never, under any circumstances, share your data with third parties, use it for AI training, or even glance at it. In fact, we’ve instructed our servers to avert their gaze whenever your data passes by.”

They now turn away dramatically, shielding their eyes. It’s very respectful.

Crisis Response

Our responses to your concerns were… let’s say, not ideal. For example:

• When you pointed out the aggressive language in our ToS, we replied with, “We’ve seen a little confusion about the language regarding licenses.”
  (Translation: You’re just misunderstanding. Calm down.)
• When you raised concerns about us collecting user data, we helpfully clarified:
  “Mozilla doesn’t sell data about you (in the way that most people think about ‘selling data’).”
  (Translation: We absolutely do share your data for ad revenue, but like, not in the bad way. You know, more like in the other way.)

In hindsight, we see how that might’ve come across as insulting your intelligence.

The People’s Rewrite:
“We admit that our previous communications might have sounded like we were gaslighting you. We’re sorry for that. From now on, we’ll strive for genuine transparency and avoid making you feel like you’re overreacting. Also, yes, we make a lot of money off advertising. You caught us. Good job.”

Mascots, Priorities, and Distractions

While our market share was plummeting, we thought the best course of action was introducing a mascot. Because, obviously, when your browser usage is circling the drain, the solution isn’t better software—it’s a cartoon red panda with a Twitter account.

We also spent a solid amount of time on rebranding efforts, because nothing screams “we’re listening” like a new logo.

The People’s Rewrite:
“We acknowledge that instead of diverting resources to mascots and rebranding efforts, our primary focus should be on enhancing browser performance, security, and user experience. Henceforth, all mascot-related activities will be confined to the break room.”

(But if you do want a plushie of our cute distraction, we’ll have them available for $29.99. Gotta fund those ad-free dreams somehow.)

Clarity and Transparency

To ensure there’s zero confusion about what we do with your data, we are making a historic shift:

From now on, all policies will be issued in three different formats—Plain Language, Emojis, and Haiku—to ensure maximum comprehension. We’ve started working on drafts already:

Plain language: “Instead of fixing Firefox, we launched a mascot. We regret everything.”
Emoji Version: 🦊💃 🆕🔄 📉💥 🤦‍♂️ (Dancing fox, rebrand, market crash, regrets.)
Haiku:
Market share is low
But look, our fox does a dance!
Sorry, red panda.

We hope this clarifies everything!

User Consent

Some of you expressed concerns that features were enabled by default without your explicit consent. That’s fair. In hindsight, maybe auto-enabling everything and then asking you to opt out wasn’t the best look.

The People’s Rewrite:
“All features, including basic browser functions, will be disabled by default. Upon installation, users will be presented with a blank screen and a single prompt asking: ‘What would you like to enable?’”

(Your move, hero.)

Just Trust Us

At Mozilla, we recognize that our users are the heart and soul of our mission. And after this entire fiasco, we realize that trust isn’t something you automatically get—it’s something you earn. We’re going to do better. We promise.

And while the above rewrites only came after we were dragged over the coals of the same Internet we were trying to track, they do underscore the true message here:

You can trust us again….

…Until next time.

Disclaimer: This satirical piece reflects user sentiments extracted from the rage corners of the Internet and is not an official document from Mozilla.